a veritable redwood forest of penises

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The sorry tale of an old man trying to get thedisease.net access.

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Never make a promise you can't break.
Never sit next to someone you don't know, even if there are no other seats open.
Always stay a minimum of 2 feet away from anyone else.
Never do anything until the last minute.
Never do work for anything but money.
If someone you don't know talks to you on the street, you should ignore them.
Never sit in front.
You can make fun of your friends behind their backs, but always deny it.
Never use a highlighter.
Don't wear sunglasses.
Never use someone else's bathroom.
Always wear deodorant.
Shun people who don't wear deodorant.
Never lend money to anyone.
Don't wear high heels if you are a man.
Never be friends with a homosexual rapist who wants to eat you.
Don't use a recliner at someone else's house.
Never swim.
Never sneeze when snorting cocaine.
Don't sing at church. In fact, don't go to church.
Never eat droppings of any kind.
Always argue when you have the chance.
Don't lift weights, run, or do physical activity.
Don't have any interaction with prime numbers.
Don't talk about sex with your family.
Never tell anyone you have friends, just "acquaintances".
Never go out of your way to do anything.
Always wear your pants, except while in the shower.
Don't interrupt people unless they are talking.
If someone touches you, you should scream and spit on them.
When dancing on someone's grave, you should never line-dance.
When picking someone's brain, it is improper to use a salad fork.
If someone asks you a question, you should never answer.
Always wear earmuffs, even in the shower.
If your eyes are shut, it's not wrong.
If something is hard to do, it's not worth doing.
If a sign says "Don't feed the Scarecrows", you'd better not feed them.
Never pay attention, always sell it.
Never dry-shave your genitals.
When piercing genitals, be very careful, but only if they are yours.
If you get caught doing something wrong, blame it on someone who doesn't speak English.
Don't ever wear yellow on odd-numbered days.
Don't answer questions using the ideal "WWJD?" If you do, you will end up crucified.
Always avoid Canadians -- French Canadians, especially.
Don't breed with retards.
To get people you've known for years to leave you alone, pretend you can't speak English.
If a mime offends you, you should kill him.
When someone of authority tells you to shut your mouth, open it as wide as you can.
Color your teeth black with a permanent marker before each dentist visit.
Never spill Rogaine on your genitals.
Don't let anyone watch you poop.
Never eat dental floss.
Never eat anything that lands sticky-side down.
Never eat beans (unless they are jelly beans).
Never piss into a fan, unless you are behind it and in a church.
Never touch a white rooster.
If someone is named Tyler Webb you should poke him/her (rule #29 does not apply).
If someone asks you what time it is, respond "potato salad".
Never date children unless you are a woman. (You don't have to date someone to have sex with them).
Don't watch porn that has no women in it.
If someone says something you don't agree with, point at them and scream "Liar!" as loudly as possible using an English accent.
Never eat a lemon that has not yet been microwaved.
Don't eat anything that has the word "mystery" in the name.
Wear socks on your hands to save money on mittens.
To save yourself some embarrassment, say that your pimples are just extra nipples.
Don't tattoo yourself using octopus ink.
Never use the number 68.
Always seek revenge.
Never cover your nose when you sneeze, in order to infect others.
Don't listen to rap, with the exception of comedic rap, and Sir-Mix-a-Lot.
Never prostitute yourself for money. Only goods and services.
If you are a man, never play volleyball.
Men with cleavage should always wear shirts.
Never have gay sex during a lunar eclipse.
Never make a sequel.
While with strangers, pretend to be gay and make fun of straight people.
Men should never be naked, and women always should be.
Always wear some sort of underwear if you are a man.
Never take baths, only showers, and when you shower only do so in water.
Always laugh at others' misfortune.
Keep the back of your neck clean-shaven.
Whenever you get denied, claim that the denier is "playing hard to get."
Never raise your pinky when drinking out of a pop can.
Never stalk anyone unless you can prove that he/she/it is a time-traveler, and is stalking you in the near future.
Squeal loudly when you are displeased.
Never have sex with something you really know that you should be eating.
If you don't get your way, bitch about it to everyone.
Never don't eat Arbo's food.
Never try to eat a giant clam that is larger than you while it is still alive.
While doing crossword puzzles, make up your own words to fit the puzzle. (ex: potalk, friskit)
Always claim to be better than everyone at everything, but then back down from all challenges, because you are far too great.
Never play games that involve you putting on a dress.
If someone claims to be one gender or another, never believe them without seeing for yourself.
Never play with someone else's pet's genitalia.
Wrap your house in aluminum foil, to keep it clean.
Always refer to things you don't know the name for as "shit". (ex: Hey mom, can I eat some of your shit?)
Don't eat old money.
Never insert a toothbrush into your penis.
Never piss into a transparent trashcan.
Don't let your feet get into fist-fights.
Never share.
Always haggle when buying things, even if the price is non-negotiable.
Don't eat metal.
Never fly over New Hampshire.
Never go to a family reunion looking to "score".
Never eat the complimentary hot dogs at the animal shelter.
Never allow hair that's not on your head exceed 7.5 inches.
Profit from other people's losses if you can.
Cut off your fingerprints every night.
Never steal from a leper.
If you are American, drive on the right side of the road when you are in a foreign country.
Never play "kick the beggar" alone in the slums.
If there is any sort of sign (natural or supernatural) that you might not get food when you begin to feel hungry, immediately resort to cannibalism.
Don't piss on anything outside of the toilet, other than siblings and pets.
Officially change your middle name every day.
Be nice to people if they can never find out about it or profit from it, it takes no effort on your part, and later you can throw into their face that you were nice to them.
If you put on a clown suit, you can never take it off.
Never leave the earth on Hitler's birthday.
Don't let badgers eat peanut butter off of your anus. They can get quite carried away.
Every time there is a lunar eclipse, attach a 30 foot pole to your chimney to confuse the aliens. If you don't have a chimney, run, run to the woods and hide.
Never try to put a ball-gag on a frog.
Never be naked in front of a Native American. They consider testicles a delicacy.
Don't pee on a wolverine unless it is restricted with heavy-duty chains.
Don't hump metal statues naked in sub-zero weather.
Only skip and hop when a rainbow is in the sky, or you are in the presence of a unicorn.
If you practice the art of cannibalism, watch cartoons while you do it.
Avoid foods that have the warning: "Causes uncontrollable loose and oily stools."
Don't casually "swap" all of your blood for someone else's.
"Clean your pipes" on a tri-daily basis.
Grow giant venus flytraps on top of your house.
Always empty your enema/douche/colostomy bag into a public drinking fountain ("bubbler" for you English fags), or a holy water fount.
Never have "relations" with a sewer-dweller.
Always carry a squirt gun full of concentrated sulfuric acid, just in case the shit goes down and you end up toe-to-toe in the middle of the street.
Never drink Squirt.
Avoid baconated grapefruit pudding.
If you find a dead cat, tie strings to it, video tape it, and make it dance like a drunken sailor.
To see if something is horribly toxic, rub it on your bare genitals, and then taste it.
If you do end up peeing on a unrestrained wolverine, don't wait around while you shake.
On Christmas Eve, put a bear trap in your chimney for Santa.
Never neatly fold toilet paper before you wipe your ass with it.
Always try to be as much like Brent Wiloughby as you possibly can.
Whenever you are signing a legal document, sign as Lobo.
Never journey to the center of the earth, unless you are hiding from a duck, or following a duck.
Only steal from non-profit organizations.
If you can't burn it, it's not worth buying.
When among the British, talk like a grizzled 1940's miner. Use the word "dag-nabbit" as often as the situation permits.
Never masturbate while wearing a blue sweater made from mole hair.
Never pay attention to Ziggy: he is a preachy narcissist.
When having sex with someone, either scream their father's name, or your own.
Only buy condoms in massive bulk from places like Sam's Warehouse. (If you are a man, this will make you look like a "stud-muffin". If you are a girl, it will make you look like the filthy whore that you are.)
Tell hot blind women that you are Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.
If you are a pediatrician, castrate every third child (no matter what their age is.)
If you have bumps, sores, discoloration, or any other form of disfigurement on your genitals, make sure you don't tell anyone. This could prove embarrassing.
Staple mittens to every piece of clothing that you own.
Never wear tight pants that accent your tiny shameful penis.
Never let your vagina turn inside out.
Never wash an elephant. Its ass will eat your head.
Always use a velcro wallet. (That way you can get the "babes")
Never let all three of your initials be the same letter. (ex: Zachary Zebediah Zimmerman).
Run fast at all times to avoid dinosaurs.
To hide from people, tippy-toe so they will lose track of you, even if they are looking right at you.
If someone falls asleep in your presence, put a saddle on them and take a picture.
Never eat any food that advertises "fruity goodness" -- this will turn you into a filthy queer (well, filthier at least).
Never put your penis in your mouth and not suck it.
Never put your penis into an electric pencil sharpener.
Never gangbang an animal smaller than yourself, unless that animal happens to be a midget.
If you ever get a girlfriend, demand that she get breast implants that secrete chocolate syrup.
Never use a condom that has a picture of your grandma on it.
Train your parakeet to attack strangers.
Never wear nipple tassels with a yellow muscle shirt.
When masturbating in a public bathroom, be sure to ejaculate onto the toilet paper.
Always wear prescription pants.
Abuse any drug you can get your hands on.
Talk differently on the phone on purpose. Throw in an accent for extra effect.
Whenever you see a Jew, laugh at their silly hats, steal them, and use them to eat Cap'n Crunch.
Never use a wooden condom.
Never give head to a man, unless you are an incredibly hot woman and the man is me.
Never lubricate your penis with anything that comes out of a bottle shaped like Batman.
Never try to tar and feather a penguin.
If you get raped by your father, never tell anyone.
If someone asks you a question and you couldn't hear them, the answer is "yes."
If you have any disgusting sexually transmitted diseases, you can e-mail me and request an apology.
If you find out that a long time "friend" of yours is gay and thinks about sodomizing you, wash your entire body, then roll in gravel.
Don't drink well-water in the middle of the night.
If you have a disease, spread it to as many people as you can. That way they will be more eager to find a cure.
Never climb trees, but if an ugly person tries to have sex with you, climb, and climb fast.
Wear a cowbell on your genitals.
Never trap the grimm reaper in a pillowcase, because then your wicked and hateful enemies will never perish.
Never show your penis to close male friends.
If it is Friday the 13th in September and it is your birthday, you must wear an elaborate suit composed entirely of raven feathers.
Wear a wristwatch for each time zone. Don't forget moon-time.
Never go on dates. They can only end in crushing defeats and tragedy. Not to mention unsightly bruises.
Always redirect blame to someone that can't defend themselves. (ex: babies and ponies).
Attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. Henceforth, I shall be known as The Beholder.
Swap street signs whenever possible. (ex: Switch a "maintain current speed" sign with a "slow: children at play" sign).
When wearing shoes, always wear socks. Only gay men and ugly women are permitted to go without socks.
Never buy pants whose ad campaign is "Extra sharp zipper", or whose brand name is "Cockshredder".
Never have sex with anyone who has had sex with someone the same sex as you.
Live in a clocktower whenever possible.
Never use something that is extremely flammable as a masturbatory lubricant. The situation very rarely turns out well.
Pretend to love G*d when he is staring at you, but always bad-mouth him when his back is turned.
Pretend to be blind so you can take your seeing-eye hooker into the movies with you.
Always keep a log of the goings-on at your local bus stop -- this information could save your life.
Instead of throwing away rotten food, disguise it as something edible, and give it to a bum. With any luck, it will kill him.
Never wear sandals. You are not Jesus, and I don't think he would appreciate your elaborate charade.
Make a point to memorize every curse word of every language. After all, you never know what kind of cab driver you will need to disgrace.
Carry remote controls with you and talk into them in public, to give the impression that you are important and that people want to talk to you.
Super-glue people shut whenever you get the chance, the more orifices the better.
Sleep in random two hour shifts -- this will keep them on their toes.
If you drink water in public, make sure you dye it some disturbing unnatural color, and put items such as toenail clippings and thimbles in it. This way no one will want to have any.
If anyone ever disagrees with you, declare them a heretic, chain them, and drag them by their hair to church for an old-fashioned inquisition.
"Deflower" everything that you possibly can.
Never allow the T.V. to find out that you are watching it.
You can make a pretty penny making wax casts of your scrotum and selling them on the internet, especially if you have a tiny-ass 7-year-old-boy sack, which I assume you do if you are still reading this.
If you kill someone and get caught, have a comedic excuse prepared for the judge. If you can make him laugh, he will probably just let you go.
Practice acting retarded in front of a mirror each night. You will be able to get out of a lot of sticky situations if you can lay down a proper retard performance. I recommend using your shit like play-doh, or if you are in a pinch, someone else's.
Whenever you see a police officer, whip your ass out, spread it wide and scream, "Hey HOG!!! Eat this slop!!" Capture on video for extra fun.
Shave your pubes once a month for a year and keep all of them. Tape them all over your chest. Go out into a crowded public place during a full moon, tear your shirt in half and scream about turning into the wolfman. It's not illegal.
Go into art museums and compare sizes with the statues. If theirs are bigger than yours, kick their asses.
Claim to have discovered the cure for AIDS and stage a national press conference in which you will reveal the secret. Then when they are all excited, just say, "Ha, I was just kidding."
Get a syringe -- easily stolen from junkies in the gutter -- and inject several ounces of water into your penis. It will make it look bigger, and water is all-natural.
Trick people into thinking you are their friend, then when they aren't expecting it, hold them down and take a shit on their face.
Never trust anyone who has an erection.
Try to be stealthy when seeing if someone has an erection. If they notice what you're up to, stab them in the eyes and run into traffic to evade them.
Upon meeting a girlfriend's parents, you should be all smooth and break the ice with a simple witty joke. Something along the lines of: "Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting them out of the hospital bed." Should do the trick.
Always be sure to tell people what you are about to do in the bathroom before you excuse yourself.
If a person or business ever wrongs you, burn down their home or place of operations immediately, so you can savor the sweet revenge.
Always claim to be royalty, and maintain your stance on the issue no matter what, especially if you are proven wrong.
In fact, never admit when you are wrong, ever.
Leave subtle hints in conversation that you might be a super hero in your free time.
Go into people's homes and break valued possessions of theirs in half, then put them right back where you found them. Why? Because fuck 'em, that's why.
Never allow women to speak in your presence. Vehemently insist that the only time a whore should open her mouth is when she's about to suck your dick. Use violence to enforce this rule as necessary.
Always tell people that your fat isn't fat, it is an anti-matter buffer.
Always refer to acquaintances as "cum dumpsters".
Whenever you see a filthy British person, tell him/her that the queen is your whore.
When people see that blood is coming out of your ass, tell them that you got raped by a big black guy. This way they won't know that you did it to yourself.
Post signs that say "No Fat Chicks" wherever possible.
Tell people that you are a cannibal just to see what they will say. Be prepared to back it up with actions if they doubt you.
Constantly complain about burning and itching while you touch your genitals, and alternate touching your genitals with trying to touch people conversationally. This way people will give you your space in the future.
Ingest random unknown chemicals that you find in dumpsters. One of them is bound to give you super-natural powers.
Whenever you are riding a bus and people start looking at you, close your eyes tight, and hum your favorite tune while you tweak your nipples. They are bound to leave you alone after that.
Fire makes a good servant but a bad master, so always put it to work and show that fucker who's boss.
Whenever someone says something to you that you don't like, say, "Was that a threat, or a poem?" Then rail them in the throat with your fist and walk away like nothing happened. You will be a hero.
Never pass up an opportunity to hurl someone down a flight of stairs.
Always keep your arsenal in perfect repair so that it is ready to use at a moment's notice. Additionally, never go anywhere without at least 5 deadly weapons on your person.
When you hear an ambulance in traffic behind you, as a game see how long you can keep it behind you by swerving all over the road at various speeds in front of it. Naturally you will be laying on the horn the entire time.
Get a tattoo of a terrifying monster face, positioned so that your penis protrudes as the monster's elongated mouth. Be sure to have a mouthful of sharp teeth tattooed on the end of your penis. Flash your monster face at little children whenever their parents aren't looking, and laugh patronizingly at their accusations.
Carry a kitten in your pocket at all times, and whenever someone pisses you off, yank it out and scream, "Don't you make me kill it!!" Be sure to hold your hands menacingly around its neck, or spreading its front legs in front of you, as if you are going to tear it in half. Remember, the cuter the kitten, the more dramatic the effect.
Demand sexual gratification in all ventures, especially if unreasonable or inappropriate.
Wear a wire at all times to record every conversation that you ever have.
Never allow yourself to be captured under any circumstances. Shave off all of your body hair, forego clothing, and grease yourself up before you leave your house. The greasier the better.
Always carry extra lubricants for emergencies.
Whenever you see a shiny surface, leave a bare ass-print on it to mark your territory.
Collect all of your masturbation sweat in jars for use on your neighbors. Be sure to explain it to them afterwards. If you didn't, they might think you are unstable.
Ensure that your seed is carried into the future by ejaculating onto unsuspecting women as frequently as possible.
Keep things hidden in your ass that might come in handy in a pinch. (ex: spoons, hairbrushes, and hot dogs).
Never stop offending people. This way everyone will know you are serious.
A run-away bus is easily stopped by well-weighted wheelchair.
Never pay for sex. (If you kill the hooker afterwards, you can get your money back).
Make nests out of trash everywhere you go, as you never know when you are going to need a place to stay.
When someone asks you how long your penis is, give it to them using your own units of measurement, to make it sound bigger. (ex: 27 Lumongous's (approx 3 inches)).
Carry a heavy object, preferably blunt, in your pocket at all times. When someone pisses you off, bash them in the face with it under the guise that there was "a dangerous scorpion" on them. Then demand compensation for saving their life.
Always carry worms in your pockets, to shower upon the children you encounter.
Constantly flip an imaginary coin. Pretend to drop it every now and then and go after it. For effect.
Think of places where you can hide things, places where no one can find them for at least a few days. Then take a huge stinking shit there.
Invite yourself over to people's houses, eat all of their food, then pretend you have food poisoning, so you can sue them.
Try to grow out your eyebrows as long as possible and curl them with bees wax, just like Captain Hook.
Storm into Bar Mitzvahs and demand a stop to "Penis Choppin'"
Pleading insanity very rarely actually works.
Try not to remember anyone's name. It will make you seem too important for little people like them.
To get into the newspaper, all you need to do is go sleep naked in a ditch, and when they find you claim that the mayor and his cronies gang-raped you and left you there.
When you are aroused by an attractive woman, walk up to her and display your erection and say, "What do you plan on doing about this?"
Health tip: those unsightly pounds and inches will melt away if you ingest several tapeworms.
Pretend that you are handicapped and people will treat you better. It may become difficult to maintain the act though, so choose your supposed "handicap" wisely.
If you are sleeping and someone interrupts your revenge fantasies, its ok to act them out while you are still semiconscious. Lighter sentence.
If you never stop crying it will confuse your enemies, then you can pounce on them when they least expect it.
Never go anywhere without scissors and lighter fluid.
Walk into funeral homes and say, "Damn, this party sucks, who died?"
Say, "Rectum? Damn near killed him!!" as often as you can sneak it into conversation without seeming unsound.
Every time you see a priest, slap him like a bitch. If he knows what's good for him he will turn the other cheek.
Try to model your body after Rodney Dangerfield's. He gets all the sluts.
Show your buttocks to everyone you meet.
Settle everything with a log-rolling contest.
Always keep garbage bags in your car for collecting roadkill. You never know when it might come in handy for use on people you meet.
Leave pieces of paper everywhere you go with the words "my penis" written on them.
Constantly remind everyone you know that you have a passionate and true hatred for them.
Constantly remind inanimate objects that you have a passionate and true love for them.
Only allow gasses and fluids to escape from your body when in polite company.
Touch things that are labeled "do not touch"
Always introduce yourself saying "I am (insert name), and I am a miracle!"
Always entangle people in your web of lies.
The more ridiculous your lies, the better -- proclamations of being magical are best.
Buy a helper monkey and train it to stab people at the base of the skull with an ice pick. Just in case.
Dress like a pirate and shout at pedestrians.
Finish all your sentences with the words"in accordance with prophecy".
Threaten people with your "penis of doom".
When insulting someone, you cannot go wrong with "Crotch Pheasant".
Always give unnecessary instructions, especially if the person is already in the process of doing what you're about to tell them to do.
Always use threats and acts of shocking violence to get what you want.
Whenever you make a mistake, don't admit it. Instead, take extraordinary efforts to conceal it. If anyone witnessed your mistake, you will have to kill them. And soon, before they can tell anybody that you're incompetent.
In the unlikely event that someone has sex with you, you can lessen the chances of picking up any of their horrible diseases and genital afflictions by blowing your load as quickly as possible and getting the hell out of there.
Animals never go to the police about rape.
Keep people from catching on to what you're up to by accusing them of what you are doing first.
Never miss an opportunity to mock someone for their spiritual or religious beliefs. Go out of your way to make these opportunities.
Cultivate a garden of toxic plants and take up your entire backyard. Fertilize it with the blood of homeless orphans and lonely drifters.
Take hormones that make you grow breasts, so you won't need women.
As often as circumstances permit, remind those close to you that you love them enough to kill them, if you had to. Refuse to elaborate.
Take steps to correct society's tragic under-use of the words "sodomize" and "fist fuck" by picking up everyone else's slack. (ex: When you experience even mild dissatisfaction, insist that you are being sodomized or fist fucked, or both.)
Fill long gaps in conversations by saying, "Behold ...Behold my RADIANCE!"
Always tell people that your real name is Gordon.
Jack off your friend's father and put his sticky white hot love piss into ice cube trays for later use on your friend.
If you are displeased with the weather, the only thing that will make you feel better is killing the weatherman on T. V.
If you ever get the chance to steal something, especially from your "friends", do so. Because the best things in life are free.
When you see a sign that says "put only toilet paper in this toilet, please", you'd better be courteous, do exactly what it says and shit on the floor.
Warning signs are really only "suggestions"
Never go anywhere without a good laxative.
Policemen are paid with your tax money. Approach them and demand that they work it off.
You have to have more than one doomsday device to be taken seriously by the United Nations.
Sell your kidneys now while there is a market for them -- with technology these days, who knows how long they will still need them?
Dress up like a priest and you can get away with raping little boys. It helps if you claim, "I'm doing Gods work".
If anyone catches you in the middle of a lie, tell them that you weren't really lying, you were only setting up an elaborate joke and now no one will get to hear the punchline because of their foolishness.
If a dog humps you, hump it right back.
Hand out your semen as a gift to others in a small paper cup. The airport is usually the best place for this activity.
Only drink milk if it comes out of you, that way you know it is safe.
Blame gypsies and terrorists for everything you do.
Fire works well on sinus infections.
Trick people into eating their own pets/children as often as possible.
You can learn much from the workings of Mother Nature. For example, the adult pinworm infests the intestine, and emerges from the anus at night to lay eggs. Be like the pinworm, emerging only at night.
Figure out what are the easiest ways to enrage your companions and employ these tactics when necessary.
Always eat other people's food in restaurants when they aren't looking.
Carry candy in prescription medication vials, and pretend you are a doctor.
Try to convince people that they are "only dreaming" as often as you can.
Carry a wishbone around and claim that it is magic. When people question your lie, inform them that it is magic because it keeps the dinosaurs away.
Learn to sew. You never know when someone is going to bite through your penis and try to separate you from it.
The homeless make good scapegoats, and can easily be coerced into becoming one of your night-slaves when the time comes.
If you ever find yourself bored on a Sunday, try to get excommunicated from the Church. It's more challenging than it sounds.
Every night go to the park and hold a candle-light vigil for yourself.
Kidnapping your sibling and demanding a ransom from your parents rarely works as well as one might think.
Construct a crude pulpit out of things you find at the junkyard and preach in the streets. A good lead in is: "I am the swine-herder, and you are my hogs."
Let your anger be like a monkey in a pinata, savoring the candy that is hatred and releasing your fury on unsuspecting children.
To meet attractive women simply wait in a tree, and when they walk past fall out. It will really break the ice.
To save time on mowing your lawn, buy a goat. You will then have to teach him how to operate a lawn mower.
Whenever it is at all possible, delegate your work to family, friends, and complete strangers.
Do your best to leave a beautiful corpse. But make sure you fuck it, first.
When in doubt, a mass-murder/messy public suicide is the answer.
Under extreme circumstances, it's ok to torture people. "Extreme circumstances" means you suspect that they're not telling you everything you want to hear.
You can save money on clothing by stealing it from attractive women, while they're wearing it.
If people don't feel "violated" after having a conversation with you, then you're not keeping the faith.
Don't waste time with get-rich-quick scams. Instead, slaughter a rich family, dump their bodies in a landfill, and start squatting in their mansion.
Never spend valuable time getting to know people. Instead, judge them entirely based on their appearance, and treat them according to the general determinations you've already invested in formulating before you met them.
Whenever anyone displays a lack of your superhuman intelligence, you have a duty to backhand them with such force that they cry out and are knocked to the ground.
When faced with any task, you must construct an effort-saving device or develop an effort-saving method through trial and error, even if it takes longer than just doing the task, and especially if you're being paid for it.
Filthy hippies were born to die by your hand.
Make sure when you are in a social situation and something happens that only you could possibly benefit from, say "now there is something we can all enjoy!"
Instead of saying "excuse me" to excuse yourself, say "I am sick of this room and everyone in it!", then confidently strut out.
Never go anywhere without a cape and/or cloak. Because seriously, who are the police going to believe: a gallant gentleman with a cape, or some doofus in a "suit"?
Corpse desecration is the only real way to make your point known.
When you need to get someone a gift for their birthday, simply incite a riot and join the looting. You can get them a fantastic dining room set from Long John Silver's.
When trying to get someone's attention, it is extremely rude to snap your fingers. Instead, you should fling feces at them.
Always carry a canteen full of water everywhere you go, to ensure that you can generate vomit at a moment's notice.
Don't answer the phone just because it rings.
Hard work never killed anyone, but don't take any chances.
Semen is a dish best served cold.
The best way to improve your life is to systematically alienate those you now consider to be "friends" and so-called "loved ones".
If you insist on drinking faggy alcoholic beverages like wine coolers, zima, and anything that is normally served with a little umbrella in the glass, you must do so by pouring them down a sweaty fat man's asscrack into your mouth.
There is nothing we can learn by looking to the East.
The best offense is not a good defense; It's a point-blank shotgun blast to your opponent's face.
Every time you explain your actions, finish your sentences with, "As far as you know!" A sneer and menacing tone enhance the effect.
Whenever you find yourself about to ejaculate, run to a roommate's or family member's room and do so into one of their clean socks. Never tell anyone your dirty little secret.
Make everyone around you feel dirty and misplaced as often as possible.
Friends must always be treated as if one day they might be enemies.
Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
Be sure to support democracy like a good citizen and vote on election day. But when you do so, you should wear only a diaper fashioned from the American flag.
Print out fake twenty dollar bills with pictures of your genitals on them in place of Andrew Jackson, then crumple them up and leave them in random locations where people will find them.
If you claim to be the illegitimate son of God, people will be more inclined to take you seriously.
Paint all of the windows in your house black, to keep out the wicked light and the prying eyes of your shit-eating vermin neighbors.
Being offensive in character, appearance, actions, speech, and odor is the only way to get anywhere in life.
After performing sodomistic rape, a fevered dash into the nearest woods is your best course of action.
To settle any dispute, simply challenge your aggressor to a shit-eating contest. If you practice consistently (six to seven plates a day) you will surely win and be victorious.
Kill yourself.
Shield yourself from the trendy new diseases like SARs and AIDS by forcibly quarantining people who enter your home, letting them and their pestilence starve to death, and then incinerating their corpses.
If you keep working at it, one day you will be a successful failure.
Use a razor blade to scrape your monitor clean when shapes and images become obscured by encrusted semen. That way, you can cleary see those wildebeest sex acts that caused the problem in the first place.
A properly microwaved slab of roadkill can make a fine sexual partner, at least for a few hours. Keep post-coital cuddling to a minimum. If roadkill is in short supply, a freshly aborted fetus will suffice.
Shit all over city sidewalks, and if you are confronted about it, claim to be a performance artist working with a grant from the government.
Used toilet paper can be an excellent liner for your clothing to keep the heat in if you find yourself homeless at some point in your life (and I am assuming that you will).
Use a surgical needle to inject a small amount of your fecal liquid into the cotton fibers of your family members' pillows so they can vaguely smell your shit as they drift into sleep. With any luck it will seep into their dreams and mortify them into a coma.
Lighter fluid adds "spice" to any dish you prepare in the kitchen.
Use "G*d planted the thought!" as an excuse for your horrific actions as often as possible.
Threaten everyone you know with your detailed knowledge of astronauts' addresses.
Whenever a penny passes through your hands, stick it up your ass, and then spend it.
Squeezing engorged zits and blackheads is an entertaining diversion while standing first in line at the bank, grocery store, and parole office.
If you have a day off with nothing to do, it can be rather entertaining to press your genitals onto school bus windows. For extra fun seek out the "special" bus.
Make sure you wipe out your parents before they manage to spend any more of your inheritance.
Whenever something you say causes an awkward silence to take over the room, suddenly scream, "SHUT UP! EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" while repeatedly punching yourself in the head. Squint suspiciously and be evasive when questioned about it.
Expand your feudal holdings by laying claim to parcels of land that you "discover." Use the severed heads of those who protest and your own bodily fluids to mark your vast territories. A head on a post is a claim that supercedes all others, including those of the "Government".
Allow your rage to fester deep within you while you masturbate late into the night, so it can congeal and manifest itself as a comedic mental illness.
If anyone ever says, "you are wasting my time with your nonsense", simply point out that they are a liar because to you their time is worthless.
Insist that the only reason anyone around you is successful is that they are feeding off of your leftover greatness, like a bulbous parasite sucking glory-nectar from your loose asshole.
Never let anyone tell you what to do (unless it involves injuring them or someone else).
Never reap what you sow. Gather children from the neighborhood in your windowless van and force them to do it by threatening them with your bloated, diseased penis.
Run down the street screaming, "None of this is real! I am getting raped from behind right now!"
If you are ever late for an appointment, get some of your "friends" to beat the shit out of you and then defecate on your face. This way you can say a gang jumped you, and thats why you are late. Its better than being non-punctual.
Every time you use a public restroom, carve glory holes in each stall as a matter of principle. If the person in the next stall asks you what the hell you think you're doing, respond by poking your engorged member through the hole to see if they take the bait. Note that this can (and should) be done in both men's and women's restrooms.
Be certain to put everyone around you at serious risk of great harm at all times, for the sake of physical comedy.
Never go out in public unless you are dressed like Napoleon.
When your lover's existing orifices become too tattered and torn from overuse, simply cut some new ones in his/her putrescent rotting flesh.
"Being cold" is the perfect excuse to have sex with your neighbor's dog.
It's ok to take people's eyes if you have to wear glasses.
If your occupation or hobby forces you to kill people, you can never stop, even if you leave the job or hobby behind.
Always keep the trunk of your car well-stocked with weapons and plenty of ammunition, so you will not have to cut short your killing spree on the day you finally snap.
An easy way to get your way is to leave flaming child corpses on the steps of City Hall in such a fashion that they form letters and spell out your demands.
Surround yourself with wild hounds at all times to keep girl scouts at bay.
When playing simple organized sports, be sure to betray your teammates as often as possible, and then claim to be switching teams. Once the new team has accepted you, repeat this procedure over and over.
Teach yourself to slip underneath doors like some sort of weird, amphibious dolphin.
Overturn anything that you think you are strong enough to pick up.
Wear football-style heavy duty shoulder pads in public and taunt those who don't.
A properly modified lawn mower can make an interesting instrument of destruction.
Tell people to call you "Fisty".
Improve your driving skills by installing a hood ornament shaped like rifle crosshairs.
Scratch a "Pedestrian Scorecard" into your dashboard so you don't have to think about how many points you're racking up, possibly causing you to miss an opportunity to run someone down. Clergymen and minorities are worth double points, women and children triple.
Knock down all of the walls in your home and use a car to travel from one place to another.
Beef up your resume by including a list titled, "I have had the following herpes infections:"
When introducing yourself, always put the word "silky" in front of your name.
You can usually get away with wearing make-up if you claim that its just a series of bruises inflicted by your sexually voracious uncle.
You can easily have the perfect life if you squat in a cemetery: free food, shelter, and sex are only a few of the benefits of lifeless corpses.
Set up an elaborate system of labeling your possessions with color codes. Explain to no one what these color codes stand for, but inform them that if they touch anything they are subject to the consequence attached to that color label. (For example: if they touch an item with a red label, sometime in the very near future you will stab them with said item. A blue label indicates that you will scald their face and eyes by throwing boiling-hot water on them. A black label warns that you will use their tongue as a means of transferring electricity to power a colossal dildo)
Wear your underwear on the outside of your clothes whenever you have a tie on.
Tell everyone of your fantasy of becoming a jouster at the Renaissance Fair, then proposition them to be your wench.
Modify your doorbell so it opens a trap door beneath the ringer that drops them into your mother's basement, where you lie in wait stroking your little sister's hamster saying maniacally, "I've been expecting you." Follow up with concentrated evil laughter.
Any time someone says something that annoys you, it is justifiable to beat them into full unconsciousness.
Always act on your dreams, especially anything involving: pedophilia, toe sucking, power marketing, and/or fresh fruit.
Sodomy is an acceptable substitute for prayer to one's higher power.
Alert people about their own activities, as they do them.
Anytime an astronaut is scheduled to give a speech at a school, kick down the door and demand that the astronaut, "Go eat their breakfast upside-down somewhere else!"
You can cause horrific traffic accidents at busy intersections by publicly raping a police officer.
Tell people that they smell like Hitler.
Eat nothing but cotton candy and pixy stix.
Fill your pockets with salt, so you can throw it on people's wounds whenever chance favors you.
Try to be prejudiced against groups that aren't often discriminated against. Good examples include lumberjacks, people who like dolphins, and people who are multi-lingual.
Invent fake charities and try to trick "good people" into doing hard work for you. While they think that they are working for a good cause, in reality they are collecting positrons for your doomsday device.
Always bring enough strong prescription medication with you to effectively wipe your memory. This comes in handy when you are going to get tortured and can't afford to reveal information.
If you ever feel ill, raid the medicine cabinet of an elderly relative, mix orange juice and everything you found into a five gallon bucket style cocktail, and then chug it all.
Pretend to be blind, and then steal from those who do not suspect you.
You can elaborately threaten someone if you disguise it as a love note.
After you order your food at a resturaunt, glare at the waitress and say, "You and your kind will die in the first wave." This way you won't have to tip.
Einstein was a chronic masturbation artist. Everyone should emulate him.
Carry a tape player in your pocket and play a sound effects tape of airplanes taking off while you walk around town.
Slip drugs into everything you pass on to anyone else.
Anytime you see a poor orphan just remember, violence is charity.
Play dead on your living room floor, and when your relatives and friends walk into the room they will cry, and think you commited suicide. That will show them for not getting you that rabbit you wanted for your 19th birthday.
If you're still reading this, you are hereby inducted into our armies. When the time comes, we will have to defeat God, to avoid a smoting of biblical proportions.
If the phrase "must be a people person" comes up, scream like a banshee and get the hell out of there.
Spend your saturdays lying about naked, and eating spam, at least until you get kicked off of the bus.
Never hesitate to ask people what gender they're supposed to be. (Don't forget rule 93).
If someone bumps into you on the street, shout threats of entrapment in a fecal dome.
When going to job interviews, shake the interviewer's hand with both hands and squeeze as hard as you can to assert your dominance. Broken bones make them know you are serious.
Whenever someone says they will pray for you, tell them that they wouldn't dare, or you'll eat their children. As always, be prepared to back this threat up with actions, even if it's your parents who said they will pray for you and you're an only child.
Inform everyone who will listen that God is your sworn enemy, and that he even mentions you in his Book of Contemptible Lies.
Whenever in the presence of more than one woman, be sure to loudly exclaim "Wow, I am Swimming in a sea of meat!"
Adding insult to injury is inadequate. Whenever possible, add injury to injury (See rule 439).
Burst into churches during ceremonies completely naked wielding a rusty whaler's harpoon shouting, "God made me naked, and you will all die naked!!" This is most effective at baptisms and funerals.
Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside you. But it'll help.
Pretend to have Tourette Syndrome.
Always remind people that you don't actually consider them friends, except when obeying rule 222.
As long as you admit that you are an asshole, you can do or say whatever you want to people.
When people say "hi" to you, respond by disrobing and waving your penis at them.
Always know at least one of your friends' social security number. When the police ask for your identification, pretend to be your friend. If the officer figures out your ruse, kill him with your penis.
If someone smells bad, it is your duty to beat them with soap bars in a pillowcase until they are cleansed by their own blood.
Whenever you find out someone listens to ICP, kill them. This applies to you, as well.
When playing darts, always "accidentally" stick one into the leg of the nearest opponent.
When entering a room full of people, always express your hatred for all of mankind while screaming and pointing at everyone.
The best way to dispose of the body is to eat it.
Avoid buying a car with a safety latch inside the trunk, to make sure no one can escape.
When you are angry, take it out on everyone. Especially those who try to "help" you.
When someone tells you to "get in touch with your feelings", get in touch with their face by using any nearby heavy blunt object, such as a formaldehyde soaked penis in a mason jar.
Setting people on fire is good therapy, for both parties involved.
Remove and wear the flesh of all who oppose you.
If someone says, "Can you hear me now?", cut off their ears and feed them to him/her.
Mate, feed, kill, repeat.
Emulate Beavis and Butthead in everything you do. They are the most perfect example of purity.
You can get a good laugh at funerals by hiding beneath the corpse and making it move in erotic fashions.
If you ever find yourself in an argument you might not win, slap someone with a huge dead fish (preferably tuna or mackerel), and then run to the woods.
People will think you are a badass if you go around breaking light bulbs by squeezing them in your hand. Make sure you gauge your ability before attempting to destroy a bulb, because if you fail, it will not look good. Then you have to resort to mass murder followed by a messy public bowel movement.
Make constant references to associates that you are onto them, and that their deception has been seen through.
Never trust anything your grandpa says.
Whenever a little angel and devil appear on your shoulders to counsel you on what to do, tell them they will have to fight it out to the death before you'll consider what each has to say. After the miniature epic battle is over, thank the winner for a good show and then snatch him from your shoulder, twist off his head and shatter him upon the ground like a beer bottle. Then, having destroyed the luggage that is your God-cursed conscience, you will be free to obey the rest of the rules.
Always make a point to scream bloody murder while being penetrated.
Steal an attractive woman's cat and force it up into a tree, then offer to save the poor feline in exchange for sex. To make this easier, you can tie dental floss around the cat's neck before you put it in the tree, and then just wrench it down with a strangling.
To avoid trouble with the police, you must ensure that your entire wardrobe is stolen from bums who live in the park.
Whenever you commit crimes where a witness may be involved, wear a costume so cartoonish and cliched that the police won't believe the witness' story. A good costume would consist of striped prison garments, two wooden peg legs, hooks for hands, an eye-patch, and huge scars on both cheeks. Be sure to carry a cloth sack with the "$" on it.
Pop rocks, baby oil, a turkey baster, and a butt plug. Perfect sunday morning.
Get on the short bus, and write random curse words on the "special" students. Penis doodles are also acceptable.
If you ever get into a medieval sword fight, remember that there is no clear winner until someone is sub-divided.
Never turn your back on a lawn gnome.
"Temporary Zombification" does not hold up in court as a defense for "suckling on the brains of the living"
Try to develop an elaborate strut that lets people know what you are all about. Make sure there are plenty of pelvic thrusts, punching motions, and ass clenchings.
You are obligated by nature to eat what you kill. Always.
Never miss an opportunity to tip over a trailer full of people watching wrestling.
Create a random religion every morning and force it on everyone you meet over the course of the day.
Constant hysterical laughter is your best tool at a job interview.
Chew gum by the pack, not by the piece.
Before every sentence you speak, assure the person you are talking to that you are "definitely not lying".
Turn lights off in every room you enter, and if anyone complains, accuse them of prejudice against people with sensitivity to light.
Always have 7-8 tiers of back-up excuses just in case someone sees through your soggy, aimless lies.
Organize witch hunts and lynchings as often as you can afford to. Be sure to kill people of all creeds and colors, so no one complains.
Deny proven facts and scientific laws, then refuse to explain yourself.
Speak only in limerick format. Evil limericks are higher in priority.
If you see someone eating and not paying attention, dunk your balls into their food when they aren't looking, stand back and watch them finish their meal, then alert them that you dunked your testicles into their food before they ate it, and them show them the crumbs and debris in the wrinkles of your scrotum to prove it.
It's never too late to lie, even if you have already accidentally told the truth. You can explain that telling the truth earlier was only part of a larger ball of lies, designed to confuse and arouse.
The smoothest way to seduce a woman is to sneak up behind her in the park and night and sweetly whisper into her ear, "I want to fill your mouth with my spiders."
Make realistic, recognizable effigies of your associates, invite them to your house for butter and cheese, and hang the effigies by nooses from trees in your yard so that they are clearly visible to your guests when they arrive.
You can easily administer medication that you think people need from across a room with a slingshot. Practice projectile drugging on a pony or small child before using this technique on someone who can fight back.
If anyone ever wastes your time, proclaim them a "time burglar" and leave them on the sidewalk choking on some form of amphibian.
If you dress up like a farmer from the Deep South, you can get away with carrying a hay hook.
Loudly praise yourself while in largely-populated public areas such as shopping malls, sporting events, and Mr. T book signings.
You should practice shitting yourself, so you can get out of speeding tickets. The cop will smell your rancid shit (be sure to eat plenty of rotten fish constantly) and he will be more likely to believe you were speeding because you had diarrhea and desperately had to get to a toilet/shallow hole. Smearing some on your neck/chest can't hurt.
Always tattle on peoples' misdeeds to their mothers, and then demand fellatio as compensation for them bringing idiocy upon the world.
Never go anywhere without a massive machete duct-taped to the center of your back.
Try to avoid getting your penis wet, as this can only lead to barnacle encrustation.
Never leave a receipt, letter, or anything that could identify you in a garbage bag you are using to dispose of a corpse.
Enslave wise-cracking leprechauns to follow you around and collect your droppings for later use on politicians.
Girls get impressed by men with lots of money, and burning money in front of them really turns them on. Be sure to use paper money and not coins, as overheated metal will lead to painful searings and weeping.
Full pop cans can make excellent "missiles" when hurled from the top of office buildings downtown.
Never go anywhere without a wolf mask, as you never know when you're going to be able to hit up some werewolf sex on the subway.
Think about shocking acts of violence and riding donkeys to stimulate yourself into having an erection in public, then pretend you have no idea what it is, and harass others for help in a frantic, high-pitched voice.
The faster we destroy the rainforest, the sooner we will move our civilization into caves deep beneath the surface of the earth, away from the the oppressive rays of the sun, and the cold stare of that metal bitch they call "The Statue of Liberty".
To avoid skulking around crime scenes for longer than is necessary, carry a high-powered industrial vacuum to harvest the organs via the rectum in a concise, erotic fashion.
Every time you have to make a bowel movement, make an elaborate scene about "birthing a child". Then demand that anyone in shouting distance boil some water and tear up some sheets.
It is harder than it may initially seem to beat someone into a deep coma using a wiffleball bat.
Be a good friend by always motivating your companions to improve. You can accomplish this by taking every opportunity to point out their faults, personality flaws, excess body fat, and less-than-optimal physical features.
A hefty sack of door knobs won't appear to be a weapon at first glance if your car happens to be searched by a law enforcement agency. This will only work until the police realize there has been a vast increase in the frequency of heavy sack beatings and robberies.
Ferocity is the only way to handle your business at the post office.
Refer to yourself as "A jackal in swine's clothing".
Never blink, that's when they get ya.
Never try to sing.
Go out of your way to use the Bible as toilet paper.
Drive a bulldozer instead of a car when on the freeway.
Try to make people cry as much as God does. I am sure he would appreciate the help.
Carry a bent up wire hanger on your belt, and use it to scratch various orifices. This way your fingers won't stink as much.
Kidnap children whenever you get the chance: their tiny fingers are perfect for slaving away in your underground acid mines.
Compare yourself to Jesus constantly, and justify your wild actions with the excuse, "Jesus did this!"
Although a catheter can save time, it belittles the fun of pissing on everything you see.
Whenever you need to use the word "gentle", replace it with "genital".
Wait in the parking lot of the patent office, and then when people arrive to patent things, beat their ideas out of them with a rubber hose filled with bb's, and then go patent it yourself.
Crucify yourself in your front yard on a crude cross constructed from the limbs of fallen foes, and then scream things at paperboys and the elderly.
Whenever you chain someone to the radiator in your basement, be sure to hamstring them so they won't get far if they get loose.
The punch line for every one of your thoroughly planned and precisely delivered jokes has to be pushing someone down with all of your might.
Dreams/fantasies of killing your foes are usually not dreams at all, but harsh suggestions.
Vomiting should only be done standing straight up, and without breaking stride.
Always encourage people -- using your wily charms, sincere assurances, and outright lies -- to start habits that they will soon come to regret with every fiber of their addicted being.
Never let your enemies go to waste. You can use their skins to haul away your pirate booty.
Lap dances are much better when the stripper is crying.
Strangers give out the best candy, not to mention the best forced sodomy.
Sometimes to stop the killing you have to kill more.
Always be prepared to sacrifice hostages.
Ridicule Dan wherever you find him.
Any time you feel the urge to sneeze, blow your nose, cough, belch, puke, fart, expel explosive diarrhea, or urinate, be sure to aim for somebody.
The best way to make your friends forget that you sodomistically violated them in a ritual fashion is to deliver a sloppy cocktail of date-rape drugs intra-rectally with your penis.
Whenever it makes sense, preface your statements with, "In accordance with Megan's Law, I'm obligated to inform you that...", then trail off into incoherent muttering and nipple pinching.
Whenever someone asks you what your favorite food is, reply "faces".
Call people by every name you can think of, except for their real one.
Save all of your bowel movements in meticulously labelled and dated jars and display them on shelves throughout your home to keep people updated on your state of health and general well-being, regaling visitors with those health updates as you lure them through your maze with Chicken McNuggets. When you run out of room in your house and on your neighbor's porch, you can donate the old jars, unsolicited, to the public library by leaving them on bookshelves without telling anybody, for the sake of science, and so that others might learn from your mistakes.
You can make good money by selling cocaine to the Amish (or otherwise enfeebled) under the guise of it being "God Powder".
To make people respect you, you must turn yourself into a fearsome warrior. One thing you must do is improve your balance by reorienting your coccyx through auto-surgery in order to have a bloody ass-tail.
The next modification you must make to your new warrior body is to remove a sheet of your skin to expose your skull, and etch gruesome designs into the bone to terrify your enemies.
Build your agility by attempting to measure people's rectal temperatures without permission.
Every July 4th, celebrate your (our) country's independence by blowing up the government.
Put your talents to use by performing Frankenstein taxidermy. A good first project is a severed cow head with hundreds of squirrel legs grafted onto the neck. Use a soldering iron to burn your name and phone number into each project's flesh, and leave them lying around in restaurants, psych wards, and playgrounds as oversized business cards in order to most effectively advertise your trade.
Always use masturbation as an alibi, in order to avoid social obligations and murder investigations.
A distressing amount of time is wasted every day just sitting on the toilet. Take back your life, and protect the environment while you do it. You can accomplish this by just shitting while you take a shower, and stomping your feces through the drain grate. You will not only save time, but you will save on the utility cost of flushing your toilet every day. You're using your shower water twice, and that's just good sense. Conservation is key, plus it gets the granola girls moist.
Toilets in other people's houses and in public places are swarming with filth and disease. To avoid this, always defecate into the top tank.
If anyone gets close enough that you can hit them with your flailing limbs, inform them (after fisting them in the temple) that their attempt to encroach upon your territorial bubble, or "kill circle", will not be tolerated.
Use only irrational numbers when explaining things to people.
Conversations held in confidence make the best anecdotes.
Wear a bib, and grunt while eating.
Whenever company is expected, take off all your clothes and arrange

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